Knights of the Old Replay: Tatooine

Anakin Skywalker was right: I hate sand. It’s rough and it’s coarse and it gets everywhere and the sands of Tatooine LITERALLY NEVER END. That’s what the game tells you if you try and go outside the Czerka boundary markers. You’ll just wander the desert wasteland and die if you keep going. (Note: The game does not let you keep going.)

Every single time I start this game, I tell myself that I’m going to change up the order of the planets and every single time, I go to them in basically the exact same order. Is it because of the story? Nah. (Okay it is for one planet.) It’s because I really want to get the crew members from certain planets as soon as possible. Why on earth would I go to Manaan first when I could maximize my time with HK-47?

Mister Bones’ spiritual predecessor is one of the best parts of both of these games. He is one of the few characters I don’t skip through the dialogue for because listening to his delivery cracks me up every time. HK-47 is just a simple droid making his way in the universe and his way happens to be by killing all of the meatbags. For a good time, go on YouTube and watch whatever videos you can of his conversations with the two player characters.

I’m getting ahead of myself. You’re on Tatooine because part of the Star Forge map is there in a cave somewhere. You’d search for it but Czerka won’t let you leave Anchorhead unless you’ve got a hunter’s license which they won’t give you… unless you agree to wipe out the local tribe of Sand People. This is all very Jedi-like and what could possibly go wrong???

The good news is that you don’t actually have to slaughter them like animals. (I mean… you can if you want to play dark side… the women… the children… all of them.) The really great news is that apparently Canderous is ripped and you get the whole view after you sneak into the Tusken village wearing stolen Sand People clothes and then are stripped of them when you leave. Mandalorians… what a work out program! This is the 8-pack that Kylo Ren wishes he had.

Conveniently the Sand People give you a map that lets you explore the Eastern Dune Sea which conveniently happens to be where the Star Forge Map happens to be.

You do, however, have to help this twi’lek hunter kill a krayt dragon first by luring him out with a herd of banthas so he steps on a zillion land mines. (And fight more Sand People to get the banthas…) This is decidedly anti-climatic when you’ve read Kenobi and you know that a Jedi Master can take down a krayt dragon all on his own without cheating. Whatever. You still have to kill people because SURPRISE Calo Nord didn’t die on Taris and Malak’s sent him after you to kill you. (Gosh. I wonder why Malak is sooooo interested in me. I bet it’s because of my character’s dashing good looks.) This fight actually takes some effort and I can’t just Whirlwind everyone in oblivion. I was down to my final party member by the time I took Calo out because that jerk just will not die. Thankfully, I brought Canderous with me on this run and he’s a totally ripped tank who also just will not die. His health implant really is the best. Plus side? I learned that a just-revived HK-47 looks and runs after you looking like he’s drunk. It’s a shame I can’t provide you with gifs because I laughed for two minutes straight about it. (Some of that may have been because I was really tired while playing this part.)

I’d like to take a moment to “thank” Star Wars twitter for making me pay particular attention to twi’leks’ ears while playing this game and honestly I hate everyone for that a little.

Unfortunately I had to make a quick detour back to Dantooine and another back to Tatooine before I can head to the next planet. I wanted this stowaway named Sasha off my ship and I forgot to let Mission breath planet-side air before I left Dantooine the first time so her brother’s ex-girlfriend could find us. We’re all fine now though! Griff’s been rescused from the Sand People and is now being a pain in the butt and trying to get us to help him with his latest get-rich-fast scheme. On second though… maybe we’re not all fine…

On to Kashyyyk next where I guess I’ll finally have to let Zaalbar off the ship for once…

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