Girls’ Guide to Star Wars: What You Need to Know If You Know Nothing

Dreamy.

As your boyfriend—or brother or father or uncle—probably told you, Return of the Jedi is hitting theatres this Friday. And you, dutiful girlfriend—and sister and daughter and niece—are attending. But you hate sci-fi movies and practically fell asleep during the previous two Star Wars films. (How have they possibly made a third? It’s so boring! You don’t care that Star Wars is the biggest grossing film of all time. You liked Annie Hall so much better.

But don’t fret, ladies. This is the last of the Star Wars films, so after this, you can stop pretending to care about this effects-laden piece of “cinema.” But to get you through Return of the Jedi without having to ask a ton of questions (just in case you’ve managed to stay awake the entire time), we’ve created a streamlined girl’s guide to the galaxy far, far away. (That’s nerd speak for the Star Wars galaxy.)

The Backstory:

The last movie of the Star Wars trilogy. Rebel heroes make their final stand against the evil Empire by attacking the second Death Star. (For those ladies who actually paid attention during the first movie, you’ll recognize that name. Yes, the Empire built another Death Star, because they didn’t learn their lesson the first time. Sigh. So dumb.)

The Main Players:

Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill): A moisture farmer (yes, that’s a thing) turned Jedi. (We’ll explain the Jedi thing later on; don’t worry!) He’s the hero, despite not being nearly as cute as his friend Han Solo.

Han Solo (Harrison Ford): Captain of the Millennium Falcon. He got dragged into the Rebellion when he agreed to fly Luke off his planet in the first movie. At the end of the second movie (The Empire Strikes Back), he was frozen in carbonite (a weird sci-fi way of saying he was frozen solid). He better be unfrozen quickly, because he’s the only saving grace of these crazy space movies.

Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher): Han’s gal-pal. (She made the right choice by picking him over Luke, although hopefully they’ll draw out the love triangle a little bit longer to make things interesting.) She used to be a senator before the Empire blew up her planet. Oops!

Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew): Han’s furry co-pilot. He’s something called a Wookiee and doesn’t speak English, so get your growly translators ready!

Lando Calrissian (Billy Dee Williams): Smooth-talking gambler. He betrayed his friend, Han Solo, in the last movie, but don’t worry! He turned good in the end and I’m sure once Han gets unfrozen, they’ll be friends again in no time.

Darth Vader (David Prowse; voice by James Earl Jones): The villain. He breathes funny. In the last film, we learned that he’s actually Luke’s father. Like that’s believable, right? He also wears a scary black suit.

Yoda (performed by Frank Oz): The puppet who trained Luke to be a Jedi. Yes, you read that right.

Obi-Wan Kenobi (Alec Guinness): Ghost guy who shows up to talk to Luke every so often.

R2-D2 and C-3PO (Kenny Baker and Anthony Daniels): Annoying robots.

Jabba the Hutt: A giant slug who has it out for Han Solo.

Terms:

Jedi: Warriors who use the Force, a mystical energy field that binds the galaxy together. Yeah, I don’t get it either. (Neither does Han. Swoon.)

Lightsaber: The big glowing sword used by Jedi Knights. I don’t get why they can’t just use regular guns.

The Rebellion: The good guys.

The Empire: The bad guys. They killed all the Jedi a long time ago and now the galaxy has gone to pot.

Stormtroopers: Soldiers of the Empire, although they’re not very good. They wear weird white costumes and get shot all the time.

Tatooine: Luke Skywalker’s home planet. It’s a big desert. Jabba the Hutt lives there, too.

Girl Crush:

Princess Leia is cool. Carrie Fisher is pretty enough to be believable as a princess, at least, and she’s good with a gun. She even gets to wear a sexy gold bikini in this movie! Too bad she’s chained up to a slug during those scenes. Hopefully Han appreciates her get-up later on! (Now those scenes would make the movie way more interesting.)

Boy Crush:

Harrison Ford is the only redeeming thing about this movie. Han Solo is so hot; they should make a movie just about him. If he dies, this’ll be the worst movie ever. (I don’t know why they made the whiny guy the hero. So lame.)

What NOT to say:

  • “Why can’t Yoda speak right?”
  • “What’s up with Darth Vader’s breathing?”
  • “If the Empire already controls everything, why do they have to make these Death Stars?”
  • “Does Carrie Fisher look hot in that gold bikini?”
  • “Can you get a sexy scar like Harrison Ford?”

What to say:

  • “Thank GOD the Empire fixed that exhaust port problem.”
  • “I don’t think Darth Vader was telling the truth when he said he was Luke’s father. That’s just silly.”
  • “I wonder who the ‘other’ is. Maybe Luke has a sister!”
  • “You are definitely hotter than Han Solo.”
Author’s Note: This article is a parody of the Moviefone “Avengers” article that posted on May 1. As you may already know, Nanci (a girl!) loves Star Wars more than most people love their children.
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5 thoughts on “Girls’ Guide to Star Wars: What You Need to Know If You Know Nothing

  1. But I was just watching this film hoping for an appearance by the hottie, Captain Kirk!

  2. So is this the one with the guy from Castle in it or is this the one with the Priceline Negotiator? And why can't this have Edward in it? I need my boyfriend to help me understand all these hard science fiction terms!!1eleventyeleven!!!

  3. Pingback: Star Wars Noob? No Problem! All You Need To Know Right Here - Headout Blog

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