With what started as a harmless Facebook “Share” from my sister not so long ago for a holiday not that far away, I was gifted my very own Star Wars Death Star Waffle Maker. As it was a early Christmas present, and given the permission to use it as soon as it arrived, I armed myself with my trusty box of Jiffy baking mix (which, in my opinion, makes excellent waffles and hotcakes) I did what any self-respecting gay does on a Sunday: Brunch.
First impressions of the device were reminiscent of Mon Mothma’s assessment of the second Death Star — The plastic shell felt gimmicky and I couldn’t help but feel the tinge of disappointment in comparison to the full metal construction of a certain notorious waffle maker from my mother’s past . Furthermore, the operating manual was… simple, if not vague. There were the standard guidelines you’d expect: do not touch the operational end of the device; do not look into the operational end of the device; do not submerge the device in liquid, even partially… and any cooking is left to your interpretation of two indicator lights (power and pre-heat) letting you know when it is pre-heating or powering. But for cooking I found better directions from my box of Jiffy mix: “Cook until steaming stops.”
The good news is that I rescinded my prior position (much like the rebel fleet) after witnessing the cooking power of the fully operational waffle station. I was pleased since the first plate-sized death-star-waffle and, realizing the existential threat that it was, set about destroying it immediately with my mouth. If only Emperor Palpatine had such a limitless source of die-cast, edible, Death Stars; perhaps he would have felt better about their ultimate destruction after enacting it countless times, himself. I like to picture Palpatine cutting little bits out of the fluffy station with his fork and red, miniature lightsaber-knife while saying things like, “I wonder how the officer’s club on level 347 tastes this morning! Yes… crispy… delicious… The dark side definitely tastes better! You have done well, Lord Vader. Build me another!” Or possibly signing, “The hypermatter reactor is connected to the… central power column; the central power column is connected to the… thermal exhaust port; the therm…. HEY WAIT A MINUTE!” You could foresee a lot of potential outcomes to prepare oneself, while simultaneously benefiting from a balanced breakfast.
And the Emperor would have been right: the waffle maker produces delightfully crispy d’waffles thanks to both the aluminum cooking plates (efficient and even heat dispersal) and choice of ingredients. My only complaint would have to be the plastic construction, but with proper care I’m sure this Death Star dispenser will certainly outlive the original that inspired its creation. Just pay special attention to the golden contours and trenches; you may need to use the force to spread your butter evenly.
The iron beast that was passed down from my great grandmother’s generation all the way to my mother spoke to its longevity. It was notorious only because by the time my mother inherited it, it had lost key components that left it inoperable without a fork… I leave the rest to your imagination.
 Death Waffle? D’waffle? Mmm… D’waffles.
 The Emperor is widely misunderstood as being the epitome of evil, when all this time he was merely hangry with a bad case of wanting to be loved.
 I promise, I’m not paid by Jiffy.